Mary Mackillop was a Roman Catholic Nun who was born in 1842 and founded the “Sisters of St Joseph of Sacred Heart”.  She has hit the headlines recently as she is likely to become Australia’s first Saint.

Now given the number of Saints the Catholic church has (around 3,000) and the wide variety of causes attributed to them (including accommodation, accountants, actors, advertisers, bowel disorders, dog bites, drowning, earache, frost, gall stones, leprosy, lightning, losing keys, lunacy, magic, mice, mine collapse, moles, oversleeping, plague, rain, rats, religious indifference, seasickness, ship wrecks, snake bites, starvation, stiff necks, toothaches, vanity, ambulance drivers, amputees, anaesthetists, apologists, archers, architects, arms dealers, artillery, and astronauts to name just a few) you might think it’s rather easy to become a Saint, but not so.  The process is quite involved.

The process begins within 5 years of the subjects death when a bishop grants permission to investigate the supposed virtues of the individual (although the Pope can waive the 5 year period, I assume because he just knows which people God wishes to become a Saint).  This must have been the case for Mary since her saintification began in 1925, some 16 years after here death.  This process can be quite lengthy since all the subjects writings, sermons, and personal interactions are investigated and examined by theological censors to ensure nothing contrary to current doctrinal teachings or immoral are present.  I should not worry too much since the Catholic Churches definition of morality seems very loose for it allows systematic coverup of child molestation, the suppression of condoms and subsequent promotion of aids in Africa, and extreme hatred of homosexuality and women.

Once this is complete they do something incredibly creepy.  The subjects body is exhumed and examined for evidence of superstitious or heretical worship.  Yeah I know, there is a strong sense of irony here since the Catholic Church (like all other major religions) are just popular cults.  But the really disgusting act is yet to be revealed – the Church take relics from the dead before they can issue the “Declaration ‘Non Cultus’”, or “no spooky stuff is going on here certificate”.

For instance, when St. Catherine of Bologna died at the ripe old age of 33 her groupies cut off her head and took it home, where it has been on display since.  St. Stephen apparently cured people after he died, so they dug him up and saw his right arm was “as fresh as the day he was buried”.  So they did they only thing anyone could have done in those circumstance – they lopped it off, put it in a glass case, and parade it around the town once a year.

St. Catherine had visions from God.  Unfortunately they were often horrifying visions of the final judgement given by Jesus himself as he hung dying on the cross.  On other occasions the Devil himself would pretend to be God and scold Catherine for her small sins.  Luckily she learnt how to discern between the various visions and wrote a book to help us poor deluded fools.  On one momentous occasion Catherine forgot she had bread in the oven when she heard the prayer time bell.  Luckily Jesus was there to prevent the bread from burning, and he made it extra delicious too.  After she died the nuns could smell flowers everywhere.  Normal people might have concluded it was spring time, but this is not a concern for these people and they pulled Catherine’s corpse out of the ground and found her “intact, flexible and sweet-smelling”.  Suitably impressed, they dressed her, placed a small golden cross in her hand, and sat her on an elegant golden chair so we can all see her beauty.

I have been unable to find out which relics the Catholic ghouls have decided to collect from the rotted corpse of Mary, but I feel safe in the knowledge it will be something of incredible beauty and not at all creepy or morbid.

Once this phase is complete, the Pope is requested to issue a “Venerable/Heroic in Virtue” so the Catholic Church can start mass producing prayer cards and other materials to encourage the faithful masses to pray for a miracle wrought by Mary’s intercession as a sign of God’s will that she be canonized.

So, it’s all up to Mary at this point – if she wants to become a fully fledged Saint she must cure people of their ailments from beyond the grave.  And she was obviously keen to become a Saint since her first accredited miracle was recognised in 1993 after she had reportedly been responsible for the recovery of a dying woman in 1961.  The process is called “beatification” as it is assumed the Saint (being dead) has a direct view of God in Heaven and access to his office.

Although, 1 Timothy 6:16 states

“God dwells in unapproachable light, whom no one has even seen or can see.”

I am no theological, but I am sure there is another passage in the Bible, or some liberal interpretations which can reverse this decree.  Or maybe we can simply ignore it for convenience?

In 2009 the Congregation of the Causes of Saints issued a Papal decree recognising a second miracle, the complete and permanent cure of an Australian woman of lung and secondary brain cancer had been achieved.  This completed Mary’s work to be recognised as a Saint and the formal process is expected to occur later this year.

Although I am still left wondering, what exactly qualifies as evidence of a miracle?  Surely a miracle can be classified as an event for which there is no known cause, but surely these kinds of things happen all the time.  How many people prayed to Mary MacKillop for their ailment or disease to be cured?  How many were successful? Is the rate of those who prayed to Mary statistically and significantly different to those who did not?  Have all the remaining variables been identified?  Are there any similar correlations within this data set and what explanations do we have for those?  Even if all these questions were answered, it only leads to one inevitable and inescapable conclusion – we really do not know what caused the event.

The fact these people happened to be praying to Mary when they suddenly and without warning went into remission says nothing about the relationship between the two events.  I am sure many people may have prayed to Mary who have not been healed.  Doesn’t Mary hear their cries for help, doesn’t she care, or is she rationed miracles by god?  What about those people who prayed to other deities and were cured, is this evidence of their gods existence?

Although, I have an alternative hypothesis I would like to propose:  Both people cured of their illnesses had more than praying to Mary in common.  Both, and I would sit down for this, were wearing – socks!  Yep.  It was the sock god who cured them, such is his power and might.  The fact these people were not praying to their socks, but were cured anyway, shows the deep of love and compassion the almighty sock god has for us (although he does wish we had more feet).  Praise the sock god!

At the end of the day this whacky and popular cult will do whatever it pleases.  So I guess my only real question is – what will Mary be put in charge of in the afterlife?  What will she be collecting prayers for to lobby God?  What do you think it should be?

References.

• Mary MacKillop: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_MacKillop
• List of Saints: http://saints.sqpn.com/patronage-topics-a/
• Canonisation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canonisation
• Divinus Perfectionis Magister: http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_constitutions/documents/hf_jp-ii_apc_25011983_divinus-perfectionis-magister_en.html
• Relics: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relic
• More relics (video): http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2009/mar/24/british-museum-relics-discovery
• St. Catherine of Bologna: http://curiousexpeditions.org/?p=64
• St. Stephen: http://curiousexpeditions.org/?p=72
• St. Catherine: http://curiousexpeditions.org/?p=57