Rise Up!

Australian politics is an interesting animal. We have had New Zealand born Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen who held a Bjelkemander in Queensland with his “Country Party”, Pauline Hanson’s internally contradictory anti-multicultural “One Nation Party” (please explain), and Bob Katter’s “Australia Party” launched with such vitriol and venom.  The incumbent political powers have weathered these forces with effortless aplomb while simultaneously morphing into each others Doppelgänger.  However a new power rises in the South which threatens to upheave the status quo and forge a radical new direction for Australia.  I present the “Rise Up Party” (please, no dick jokes).

Reverend Doctor Daniel Nalliah has thrown his impressive intellectual capacity behind the campaign.  For those who are unfamiliar with the good Doctor, Danny proved his theological prowess when he expertly linked the devastating fires in Victoria with recent changes to abortion laws. In retrospect it should be obvious to all that God would incinerate those who were complicit in their silence to such “incendiary abortion laws which decimate life in the womb.”  You can’t argue with credentials like that.

Excitedly I read Rise Up’s platform and vision for this great country to discover they are “totally committed to protecting the Australian way of life and our Judeo-Christian Heritage”.  This is great news for all those who miss the grand old days of burning witches, waring with infidels, sniffing out and imprisoning heretics, and beating slaves.  Senate estimates predict a dramatic upsurge within the forestry, exorcism, catapult, and hot oil industries which will be serviced by the emerging slave trade.  Economic prosperity, and end to unemployment, and a solution to the boat people problem in one divinely inspired move.  Brilliant!

Revered Danny points to the failed experiment of multicultural and secular Europe, which has clearly divided nations into ethnic enclaves.  Everyone knows rampant secularism leads inevitably to the introduction of Islamic Sharia Law and a theocracy.  We can’t have that in a Judeo-Christian country! We all know Australian’s deeply desire ethic purity in an homogenous, bland society.  The cleansing should begin immediately we have isolated our superior genetic chemistry, although history teaches us that starting with the Jews is always a winning strategy.

Furthermore, a group of Medical Doctors, Housewives, Businessmen, Businesswomen, Christian Ministers (yes, we capitalise everything) and others with more than 20 years of combined experience in the Political arena have worked for months to distill a concrete action plan for the next 10 or 20 years – perhaps longer, it’s hard to tell.

1. Protect freedom of speech, unless your a stinking Muslim, atheist, or secularist.
2. Establish full employment and fair wages; support/re-establish manufacturing industries in Australia, starting with wooden stakes, relic hunters, exorcists, and faith healers.
3. Reduce the cost of living by limiting the size of government and limiting the levels of taxation, with the least possible intrusion of governments into the lives of individuals and businesses.  Screw common infrastructure – that is for communists.
4. Reaffirm our Constitutional right to defend the one true religion.
5. Recognise and affirm our Judeo-Christian heritage and the immediate resumption of Crusades.
6. No religion or religious practices are to be forced upon another person, except Judeo-Christianity.
7. Faith-based schools have the right to discriminate against dirty homosexuals, couples living in sin, and any other heretic or sinner.
8. Schools must have faith-based chaplains from an approved religious sect.
9. School curriculums to include the teaching of the history of Western civilisation and our Judeo-Christian heritage.
10. Improve discipline in our schools – spare the rod, spoil the child.
11. Protect the traditional family unit – father (the head of the house), mother (who shall remain silent), and children (who can avoid being stoned by being unquestionably obedient).
12. Parents have the right to discipline their children, within sensible historical, non-abusive guidelines (See Psalms 137:9).
13. Protect children from predatory and infectious homosexuals.
14. Banning abortion, even in cases where it will threaten the life of the mother, or as a result of rape (in which case the victims will also be forced to marry their rapist after a dowry is paid to the father).
15. Protect Australia from Sharia inducing multicultural secularism.  Fuck those towel heads
16. All boats trying to enter Australian waters by illegal means should be stopped by the power of prayer to preserve the lives put at risk by people smugglers.
17. Pillage the environment, as God gave it to mankind to have dominion over (Genesis 1:28).
18. We support the right for Israel to exist with Jerusalem as its undivided capital, thus hastening the glorious return of our LORD and SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST who will judge the wicked and rapture us to everlasting bliss.  Amen.
19. All elected Members of Parliament for RUA Party are encouraged to donate a percentage of their salary to the poor and the needy.[1]
20. While we recognise the Aboriginal people as the first people of Australia, we force them to accept our Government’s apology and make them to issue a statement of thanks for all the cool shit the British have given them.  Ya know, science and stuff.

Yes, my dear friends, it is time for us to stand up for our country right now. If we do not protect our Australian culture now while we still can, there will be nothing left of it for our grandchildren. Let’s be proud and patriotic about our nation of Australia. [2]

Rise Up Australia Party is currently looking to recruit 500+ members ASAP to register the party with the Australian electoral commission and contest the next federal election. We would love to see you join the party. Please also indicate your interest to stand as a candidate and make a difference. There is a special 50% discount on membership fees until 31st July 2011 [2], and of you are one of the first 50 callers we’ll throw in a set of steak knives.

We cannot and must not let the extreme left parties, such as the lefty, communist, tree hugging Greens, control the balance of power. When elected, we assure you to fulfil the promises to the electorate and the nation to the best of our inept ability. As Ministers of the Gospel, Reverend Doctor Daniel Nalliah is first accountable to God then to man, and we all know how that turned out in the Dark Ages.

[1] Wow – this is actually a good idea.

[2] Their own words verbatim.

Tagged with: Catch the Fire Ministries, Daniel Nalliah, Rise Up

Tweet