Atheists are often told by believers to read the Bible and it will all become clear. Trouble is, many of us have tried that and it doesn’t seem to have helped. Take these verses for example:
This does not sound like a great night out to me.
“But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?” - 2 Kings 18:27
She did what with the gold and silver jewellery I gave her?
“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.” - Ezekiel 16:17
The church welcomes everyone, expect those genital freaks.
“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” - Deuteronomy 23:1
Oh you want meat, do you? The LORD shall provide … till you puke.
“And tell the people to purify themselves, for tomorrow they will have meat to eat. Tell them, ‘The LORD has heard your whining and complaints: ‘If only we had meat to eat! Surely we were better off in Egypt!’ Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it. And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have complained to him, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’“ - Numbers 11:18
At first God thought Adam might go for beastiality , but no.
“The man gave names to all the cattle, to the birds of the air and to every wild animal, but for the man himself, no suitable partner was found.” - Genesis 2: 20
The LORD wanted to kill Moses because his son wasn’t circumcised. Luckily Zippy was on the ball.
“On the journey, while they were encamped for the night, the Lord met Moses and would have killed him. But Zipporah picked up a sharp flint, cut off her son’s foreskin and touched Moses’ privates with it, saying, “You are my bridegroom.” So the Lord let Moses alone.” - Exodus 4: 24-26
Moses and Aaron have a magic face off with the Pharaoh’s sorcerers.
“When Moses and Aaron came to Pharaoh, they did as the Lord told them. Aaron threw down his staff in front of Pharaoh and his courtiers and it turned into a serpent. At this Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorcerers, and the Egyptian magicians did the same thing by their spells.” - Exodus 7: 10-11
God makes reasonable demands.
“You must not hold back the first of your harvest, whether grain or wine. You must give me your first-born sons.” - Exodus 22: 29
The LORD extends his infinite hand of compassion.
“He said to them, “The Lord God of Israel has said: Arm yourselves each of you with his sword. Go through the camp from gate to gate and back again. Each of you kill brother, friend, neighbour.” - Exodus 32: 27
Moses pioneers modern medical science with a magical statue to fix snake bites.
“So Moses made a bronze serpent and erected it as a standard in order that anyone bitten by a snake could look at the bronze serpent and recover.” - Numbers 21: 9
Handy advice when you’re living in the desert.
“As part of your equipment, you are to have a trowel, and when you squat outside, you are to scrape a hole with it and then turn and cover your excrement.” - Deut. 23: 13
The LORD giveth, and the LORD makes you eat them.
“Then because of the dire straights to which you will be reduced when your enemy besieges you, you will eat your own children, the flesh of your sons and daughters whom the Lord has given you.” - Deut. 28:53
Don’t spunk on the ground, or god will mess you up.
“Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.” - Genesis 38:8-10
Shrek is based on a real Biblical event.
“When the donkey saw the angel of the LORD, she lay down under Balaam, and he was angry and beat her with his staff. Then the LORD opened the donkey’s mouth, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?” Balaam answered the donkey, “You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.” - Numbers 22:27-29
Jesus negotiates with some demons, and lovingly drives them into the local livestock.
“Some distance from them a large herd of pigs was feeding. The demons begged Jesus, “If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs.” He said to them, “Go!” So they came out and went into the pigs, and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water. “ - Matthew 8:30-34
The LORD doesn’t like those who drink like dogs.
“So Gideon took the men down to the water. There the LORD told him, “Separate those who lap the water with their tongues like a dog from those who kneel down to drink.” Three hundred men lapped with their hands to their mouths. All the rest got down on their knees to drink.” - Judges 7:5-6
What are your favourite bizarre Biblical quotes?
Atheists are often told by believers to read the Bible and it will all become clear. Trouble is, many of us have tried that and it doesn’t seem to have helped. Take these verses for example: This does not sound like a great night out to me. “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master [...]
The Australian Christian Lobby are lying again. This time they are mischaracterising the Atheist Foundation of Australia’s “No Religion” campaign by stating (emphasis mine): “While the census data is rightly used to assist the government to plan for services and infrastructure, other groups, including some atheists, are seeking to push their agendas by encouraging people [...]
The excellent British broadcaster BBC 4 recently aired a fascinating program called “The Medieval Mind” which explores the philosophy, theology, and predominate thinking of the dark ages. The first episode deals with knowledge and revealed numerous intriguing insights into how the medieval mind determined epistemological truths. Monks, priests, and other godly people were in possession [...]
“Atheism 2.0” is a 20 minute TED presentation by Alain de Botton in which he proposes a new approach to evangelising atheism. Alain suggests (apparently without evidence) that we have “secularised badly” and we should sift through the rituals, traditions, and behaviours of religion to identify and adopt their efficient mechanisms. “I have come here [...]
Atheists are often told by believers to read the Bible and it will all become clear. Trouble is, many of us have tried that and it doesn’t seem to have helped. Take these verses for example: This does not sound like a great night out to me. “But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master [...]
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BBC News – Row over Indonesia atheist Facebook post Priority is to protect marriage | Herald Sun No Fetus Can Feed Us | Unreasonable Faith Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0 | Video on TED.com
Just after Christmas and New Year the crew sit down for a very informal chat. Excuse the audio quality as we only had one microphone in the middle of the room. Still, it turned out rather well. The closing song is obviously Tim Minchin’s “White Wine in the Sun”. Go buy a copy – all [...]