Blog - Saturday, October 1, 2011 23:40 - 5 Comments

Killing in the name of …

There is a reason Islam, Judaism, and Christianity are called the Abrahamic religions. Each consider Abraham to be one of the wisest holy men to have ever walked the Earth. He is one of the few people Yahweh actually spoke to and he was blessed with many children for his fanatical devotion and obedience. It is probably his prolific progeny which earns him the title as founder of the three most popular religions on the planet. So we should have a closer look at Abraham’s history with his homeboy, Yahweh.

Back in the day, Abram (as he was know then) made a covenant with the Lord, who said:

“Unto thy seed have I given this land, from the river of Egypt unto the great river, the river Euphrates.” – Genesis 15:8

This spawned generations of racial, national, and tribal warfare over a rather unexciting patch of soil in the Middle East. Nice going Yahweh. Couldn’t you have predicted that would happen?

In Genesis 17 Yahweh gave Abraham’s ego and sperm count a boost, promising him he would be “exceeding fruitful” and “father many nations and Kings”. There was a catch though – they all had to cut the ends of their penises off when they war 8 days old. Abraham, being enthusiastically diligent and obedient got straight work circumcised himself, his 13 year old son, everyone who was born in the house, and all his slaves. Now that’s dedication!

Later, Yahweh, always looking for a good real estate deal, also gave Abraham the land of the Canaanites. Unfortunately the Canaanites were occupying at the time, but that’s not a big issue for God’s chosen people. I can assume you can guess what happened there.

“And I will give unto thee, and to thy seed after thee, the land wherein thou art a stranger, all the land of Canaan, for an everlasting possession; and I will be their God.” – Genesis 17:8

Anyway, the Lord Yahweh later visited Abraham’s wife, Sarah, and impregnated her, making his earlier prediction Abraham would have a son when he was 100 come true.

“And the LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken.” – Genesis 21:1

The boy was named Isacc and, naturally, Yahweh instructed the end of his penis to be hacked off, which Abraham did when the boy was 8 days old. But as you may well know, that was not all Yahweh had in mind for poor Isaac:

“God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am. And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.” – Genesis 22:1-2

What can you say? God loves his burnt offerings.

So Abraham did as he was told, as always. He dragged poor frightened Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice to his god. Rather than face the full terror of the situation, the maker’s of this animation proposes Isaac was positively ecstatic to be killed. Yeah, I am sure that was the case. You may have thought God was happy with the way things turned out, but he still wanted his burning flesh. Luckily for Abraham there was a ram nearby. Not so lucky for the ram.

“And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.” – Genesis 22:13

As a result of this little exercise Yahweh promised to “multiply Abraham’s seed” and conquer his enemies:

“That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;” – Genesis 22:17

At this stage Abraham’s gonads have been blessed by god twice. Perhaps that’s why he is so highly admired?

In reality, a terrified little boy was probably dragged up a hill by a dangerously deluded and schizophrenic psychopath intent on murder. Nowadays society is repulsed and disgusted by anyone willing to harm their children, let alone murder them. Take the case of baby Ali.

On the 30 September 2011 [the BBC reported](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-15128057) Shayma Ali, 36, took her 4 year old daughter, strangled her unconscious, then stabbed her up to 40 times before removing her liver while Koranic verses played in the background. She is reported to have said:

“Then a voice told me ‘if you love Allah you should sacrifice your daughter.’”

How is this terribly tragic case any different to one of the most revered stories within the Abrahamic traditions? The only difference here seem to be Allah (read Yahweh – they are the same freaking god anyway) did not step in at the last moment exclaiming he was “only kidding” and boosting your sperm count as compensation. Not that Yahweh step in on every occasion anyway.

In Judges 11:30-39 Jephthah was off to slay the “children of Ammon” and vowed to god he would offer the first thing to come out of his house as a burnt offering (Jesus, what is it with Yahweh and burnt flesh?). Unsurprisingly, Jephthah was highly successful (if you can call it that):

“And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.” – Judges 11:33

You might have thought Yahweh had seen enough blood, suffering, and death, but not this time around. The first thing to “cometh forth of the doors of Jephthah’s house” was his only child – his daughter who had run out to greet him home singing and dancing. But a deal is a deal, especially when you make it with the all loving creator of the universe. So what choice did Jephthah have?

So after letting her daughter “bemoan here virginity” for two months, Jephthah “did with her according to his vow which he had vowed” (Judges 11:39).

So next time you feel the need to pray to god for something, just remember the kind of deals he has done in the past. He promises you land someone else already inhabits, he will help you kill thousands of people, he will ask you to kill your children, and he’ll give you big balls. All you need to do is be obedient and listen to those voices in your head – no matter how crazy they may seem.